Ive been having the urge to be with someone. Not exactly someone as much as anyone. Im not sure if its weird, I dont think so, but I just want to hold, kiss, just spend time alone with somebody. Whats weird is I’m currently in a place where there are people I could accomplish this goal with, but now my minds killing me cause half of me has this desire to be with someone and the other half is worried that Im gonna hurt them. This dilemma didnt used to be a problem but now I have this sea of thoughts, concerns, and urges raging like a storm in my head. This probably is occupying alot more of my head then it should but whatever. I guess its just another day in the life of being a guy. 

Not always, I’m usually quite solid. But I’m sorry if thats something you had to experience

Dont really know what your talkin about, so possibly. But as a side note my home bathroom has never been clogged and there have been some real legends using that thing. Its like invincible I swear.

I was just texting someone a little bit ago and said something to the extent of “don’t ever change for someone, because erasing who you are is the worst thing you can do to yourself.” I didnt realize how profound that was until after I sent it. Often times I feel like people, sometimes me included, change who we are depending on who we’re around in an effort to please them but in reality the world doesnt need another one of them it needs you and for you to be exactly as you were made. Dont erase the person you were created to be and replace it with an empty shell cause you will never be as full of a person unless you are yourself as opposed to someone you create. I’m not really sure where I meant this to go but just think about it. Kinda messes with my mind

Ive discovered lately that I love having an place to myself. I never really appreciated my room or spent that much time in it in highschool, but now that I’m back from college and spending day after day with people, I miss my room. I came back here today and realized that I didnt want to talk to anyone or be in anyones way but I had stuff to do. Then it hit me, the beautiful simplicity that is my room was the perfect place for me. I took my laundry up there separated it and folded it, listened to a little music, and had time with myself. I didnt truly appreciate what I had till I didnt have it, but this seems to be the case with many things in life, family, my room, a stocked refrigerator/pantry, my car, my shower, women, freedom to do what I want without consequence, friends, God, the sun, the beach, honesty, emotion, love, and a plethora of other things. I really am not as grateful as I should be considering everything I have is a gift. And considering the season itd be pretty rude to have someone give you a gift and just blow it off, kinda use it, but never really thank or acknowledge that they gave it to you. So, I’m sorry if I’ve taken you for granted but its something I’m working on and I really do appreciate you and the things you do for me.

Feeling pretty solid. Rocked my World Civ final and I might end up with an A in the class which would make me super happy and alot less worried. Now all I have to conquer is Chem. I’m not exactly a worrier(not sure if thats how you spell that) so I dont think that I’m stressed but it must be getting to me in my subconscious cause I could feel my back tensing up and I wasn’t sleeping as well as I’d like. Who knew, there might be more going on in my head than I gave it credit. But I found another reason to be more ethnic(hispanic/black) there was already sports and now having a scholarship that you dont have to work for is added to the list

I could go for laying on the beach with 80 degree water all day until the sun went down. Then I’d go to a field and sleep there lookin at the sky like a warm summer night. I guess what I’m saying is, as much as I love school and the cool, I’d rather have nothing to do and it be warm

I’ve been getting so revelation about revelation lately. I’d like to say that I finally have it all together now but in reality the more I find out the more confused I get sometime. I think this applies to most aspects in my life, God, school, family, women. Hmm, women. Thats a topic for when I’m feeling a little more lucid and not so fall asleep on my computer but that ones got me reeling in my mind.

Anywhoo, just been thinking about the nature of truth lately. Its really funny cause as Ive been talking to more people I can see the desire and search for it has been spreading like a virus throughout. Actually I have more brewing inside or me on that too. I’ll reflect and right more when I have the time/energy to let it flow better, I hate forcing righting. Well its a good planting seeds. Never despise the day of sprouts for one day there will stand a mighty tree.

“I feel like tumblr should be a place free of assholes”

                                      -John Vickers

Couldn’t agree more

“Seal my heart and brake my pride
I’ve nowhere to stand and now nowhere to hide
Align my heart, my body, my mind
To face what I’ve done and do my time”

-Mumford & Sons

The thoughts in my mind

Pierce through my heart.

Cut it open

And leave it bleading

.

Why won’t it stop?

This war doesn’t end!

My essence conflicted

Leaves me afflicted…

So this morning I woke up at 4am with a throat that was ON FIRE. It wouldn’t let me make a sound and there was nothing I could do but lay back in my bed and try to go back to sleep to ignore the pain. However when my alarm went off the pain returned and I opted to turn it off and go back to a safer, happier place in my dreams. Seriously though, of the nonterminal illnesses the soar throat is probably the worst. It takes all the joy out of eating, swallowing, breathing, talking, singing, and just existing. Its terrible because these are the things that I use to relax, experience the world and also escape from it. So I’ve pretty much done all I can to aid my body in fighting this. I’ve taken every throat drop I could find or get from anyone, eaten all my vitamin c tablets, taken nyquil in case i’m sick, made warm tea(actually had it made for me, :) thanks Alyssa) made cold tea, gargled warm saltwater a billion times, and limited my talking to almost none which was kinda tricky but ideally worth it ha. I’m pretty sure I’d rather have the headache than a soar throat…Dang, if I dedicated this much effort towards school I wonder if I’d be super productive… Meh, guess we’ll never know

Sometimes my soul and my body pull so hard in opposite directions that I remain perfectly still

One day there will be a revival.

One day the pain will stop.

One day we will be healed.

One day we will dance.

One day we won’t fear

insecurities

hardship

OURSELVES.

One day people will be real.

One day this world will be filled with love, not hate.

This day comes only as fast as we bring it here, so may everyday work toward being “One day”